Key. This is one of those moments. Eleven pm here, kids are being tucked in by hubby. I can still hear them chat and tease each other though. I am sitting on my working desk, trying to revise the past lecture(s), most of which I could not focus enough. I feel very intimidated now, not being able to concentrate, falling behind again on my course, and my meds are not kicking in yet.
I’m back on SSRI, along with clobaxam, and the first week, as usual, is the worst. Dizzy all day long, sleepy, and feel overwhelmed just trying to listen to my lecturers. Well, I know it will get better in a week or so. I just don’t know if I can still catch up in a week or so. And acnes. Gosh, I didn’t remember my meds causing me to break out this much last time. I think I have been off my meds for almost five years now, working hard to handle every sign of relaps by practicing mindfulness and training my mind (and lots of support from hubby of course).
This time it is different. It feels like all the trauma from my past post graduate study is haunting me: fell behind on courses, feel so deep in depression, so not wanting to fail and keep sleeping late to try to catch up. I keep on staring blankly on my monitor, not knowing where to begin: is it the micro homework that I think I understand but still cannot work on any of the questions? Or is it reading the econometrics textbooks which lectures just didn’t get into my head? Or is it listening to recording of macro lectures through which I always fell asleep? This is hard. Kinda crazy.
I promise myself history won’t repeat itself. I have my hubby, I have my kids, I have my shrink, I have my meds, I have all my immediate family around me, I have food delivery that I can afford. I have my God. Even if all things fail, my God will not fail me. I will survive. I will survive my depression. I will survive my doctoral study. I will survive raising two wonderful and happy kids. I will even survive my career. I promise.